List Series: The most punchable face on each NFL team

By Blizzy

This will be the first of our list/rankings series so I figured let’s start it off with a spicy bang. First, a little background about me and how this idea was born. I played football for 12 years growing up and for my PAL youth years, my pops was my head coach. He taught me the game of football and I’ll always be forever grateful for that. Pops knows a lot about ball but he also always has funny irrational takes for why he doesn’t like certain players even if they’re great players. One of his favorite reasonings he likes to use is simply “I just don’t like his face.” This still makes me laugh to this day and it helped spark the idea for this list. His most notorious player he uses this for is Aaron Rodgers so spoiler alert, he will be the Packers choice. With that said, we’ll go through division by division and list each teams most punchable face and I’ll leave everyone with a little homework at the end.

AFC EAST

New England Patriots- Mac Jones

This was an incredibly easy choice. Just look at the guy in the picture. He may be the King of “punchable faces.” I hate to give Mac Jones the nod for “winning” anything because he’s incredibly overrated as it is, but it’s just the obvious selection here.

New York Jets- Zach Wilson

Another very easy choice. Zach is the epitome of the scrawny frat boy you just wanna deck. He’s also a mommas boy with a loud mouth Mom who you can tell was that loud annoying parent at youth football games which only helps bolster his case here.

Buffalo Bills- Jordan Poyer

This one was a little more difficult. There was a few candidates that fit, but I ultimately settled on Poyer because he’s got that smug look to him. He also has an absolute smoke show of a wife so screw him. (If you’re unaware, look up Rachel Bush’s IG, you’re welcome)

Miami Dolphins- Tua Tagovailoa

I know I know, I’m sorry. This one will cause a stir but deep down you know it’s the right choice. Tua has a pudgy dorky punchable face. This doesn’t mean he’s not going to improve on the field this year Tuanon Stans, so RELAX.

AFC NORTH

Cincinnati Bengals- Alex Cappa

Had to make sure we got some OL love on this list. Frankly, he’s just one ugly SOB. With a face only a mother could love, Cappa looks like a cross between someone who stormed the Capitol with Sordi and the lead actor in the movie Mask. (Not the Jim Carrey one)

Cleveland Browns- Jacoby Brissett

This may be a slightly biased choice because I was forced to watch this guy role play as a QB for my favorite team last season and do it miserably, but Brissett is just a goofy annoying individual.

Pittsburgh Steelers- Minkah Fitzpatrick

Pretty easy choice. Stinkah is a baby back bitch who also is a hypocrite. He complained about being misused in Miami and asked for a trade because of it and then a year later on the Steelers, he whined more and asked to be used the way the dolphins wanted to use him. Oh yea and also a punchable face.

Baltimore Ravens- Marlon Humphrey

Humphrey is a great DB, but he just looks like a dick. He also acts like one too on social media where he’s pulled the ol’ LeSean McCoy special multiple times by spoiling movies and tv shows.

AFC SOUTH

Jacksonville Jaguars- Ryan Santoso

I’m pretty excited I was able to sneak a kicker in here, especially one with such a stupid face. It also gets some LatinX representation on the list which Takes will appreciate. I have no clue who this guy even is and I’d probably put a decent sized wager down that he won’t be on the Jaguars anymore come September but this is his moment to shine.

Tennessee Titans- Ryan Tannehill

Tannehill is one of those guys that just looks like such a nice guy that you want to punch him in the face, if that makes any sense. That was one of his problems in Miami, he was just too much of a soft nice guy. No dawg in him.

Houston Texans- Jeff Driskel

Yup, that Jeff Driskel. Apparently he’s a Tight End now on the Texans roster which is the most Houston Texans thing ever. But just google the guy, first team all punchable face. He looks like he could be Dan Orlovsky’s annoying little brother.

Indianapolis Colts- Rodrigo Blankenship

I mean…no brainer, right? I don’t think there’s much I even have to say here. The guy looks like an extra from the movie Grandmas Boy. All time NERD face here.

AFC WEST

Denver Broncos- Russell Wilson

I think everyone and their mother saw this one coming. UFC fighter Henry Cejudo notoriously goes by the nickname “King of Cringe.” However, that title might really belong to Russ Wilson whose for sure the corniest player in the whole NFL.

Kansas City Chiefs- JuJu Smith-Schuster

Sordi may threaten my job for not making Pat Mahomes the choice here because he stupidly hates the young phenom, but I’m a Mahomes Stan so in the words of Nick Saban “I’m not going to so quit asking.” Look guys, JuJu and TikTok are synonymous at this point so he has to be the choice. It’s that simple.

LA Chargers- Justin Herbert

Herbie has it all, the big arm, the height, good looks, a great family and on top of that he also broke some records. Which is exactly why he’s the choice here. He needs to be knocked down a peg in the form of a swift right hook.

Las Vegas Raiders- Nick Mullens

Nick Mullens just looks like a tool. He looks like one of those guys that doesn’t tip because “they get an hourly wage, if it’s not enough then they should take it up with their employer.”

NFC EAST

Philadelphia Eagles- JJ Arcega-Whiteside

The former 2nd round pick that’s been extremely underwhelming literally looks just like Jussie Smollett. That is reason enough to be the Eagles selection. By the way, Power was 100 times better than Empire, non debatable.

Washington Commanders- Carson Wentz

It should be noted that Sordi refuses to call this team anything but the R words(I wont type it out here). With that said, Carson Wentz is probably the most punchable player in recent memory. I guarantee there’s plenty of former teammates that would love to tee off on this tool like it’s rock ‘em sock ‘em robots.

New York Giants- Daniel Jones

Daniel Jones absolutely STINKS. He probably just fumbled again as you were reading this. He also happens to have a very punchable face. Whenever I see him, I just think of Jim Carrey from dumb and dumber.

Dallas Cowboys- Zeke Elliot

Could’ve went with a few options here like Dak for example, whose actually been punched in the face before at a Waka Flocka concert. Instead we’re going with Zeke because he looks like an Ewok from Star Wars. You’re lying if you say you don’t want to pinch Zeke’s cheeks like a grandma would do and then punch him in the nose.

NFC NORTH

Chicago Bears- Dante Pettis

Dante Pettis has an annoying face and he also dyes his hair different colors all the time. Two things that will land you on a most punchable player list. It doesn’t help that he’s also been a player who regularly is in his coach’s doghouse.

Green Bay Packers- Aaron Rodgers

I already spoiled this one, shoutout to the old man for this one. We’ll just call this his entry. Aaron “I just don’t like his face” Rodgers.

Detroit Lions- Jared Goff

When Jared Goff is on the field he almost always has this look on his face like he just took a dump in his pants and he knows he can’t do anything about it till halftime. If that’s not punchable then I don’t know what is.

Minnesota Vikings- Garrett Bradbury

You definitely thought this was going to be Kirk Cousins and that would’ve been a great pick. But please take the 5 seconds to google Bradbury. The guy legitimately looks like a fat version of Mickey Mouse and who wouldn’t want to punt Mickey Mouse across one of the Great Lakes?

NFC SOUTH

Carolina Panthers- Matt Rhule

I cheated a little on this one and didn’t pick a player even though I could’ve easily picked any one of their 7 mid QBs. But Matt Rhule is just such a slob that sucks at coaching football that I had to pick him. If this was a year ago, I would’ve surely used my token coach spot on Matt Nagy but that bum got fired.

Tampa Bay Bucs- Logan Ryan

People will be upset this isn’t Brady, but he’s not a Patriot anymore. That makes him instantly 50% less punchable. Instead I went with Logan Ryan who resembles Squidward’s house from SpongeBob. I’m not going to lie, I also picked him because he made fun of Uno and only Dolphins fans are allowed to make fun of Tua.

New Orleans Saints- Michael Thomas

Slant Boy is such a pain in the ass that routinely just says the dumbest shit. I couldn’t wait to put him on the list. He also looks like NBA young boy who is one of the worst rap artists known to mankind. If you listen to his music, SEEK HELP.

Atlanta Falcons- Feleipe Franks

Random selection? Yes. Accurate selection though? Also yes. And that’s about all that needs to be said about a player so irrelevant.

NFC WEST

San Francisco 49ers- Brock Purdy

Brock Purdy looks more like a finance manager at a car dealership than he does an NFL QB. Ironically enough that’s probably where he’ll be working in 2 years. I could totally see him reguarly using some corny joke to every customer like “This car sure is Purdy isn’t it?” As he points to his name tag hoping for a chuckle.

Seattle Seahawks- Jamal Adams

My dad along with my brother, Joey Jets, are diehard Jets fans. They despise Jamal Adams and honestly over the years they’ve rubbed off on me. I don’t despise him like they do, but man he is an extremely punchable dude.

LA Rams- Jalen Ramsey

Let me preface this entry with stating that I think Ramsey is the best CB that’s been in the NFL since Darrelle Revis. I love the way this dude plays football. With that said, he also always has this cocky look on his face and then he talks with this oddly sassy feminine voice. Very punchable.

Arizona Cardinals- Kyler Murray

I figured I’d save Kyler for last since he just got a massive payday. Now I know it would feel terribly wrong to punch a midget, but this little guy is filthy rich now so I could go to sleep at night with a clean conscious.

Now that wraps up the list of each team’s most punchable individual. Feel free to reply with where you think I got it wrong and where you think I got it right. Also, go ahead and comment with who you think is the most punchable member of the Fins or Die team and why. Use our @‘s on twitter, @BlizzyFins, @FinsOrDie, @TakesWereMade_, @MathisReports, @FinsVicious. Lastly, keep an eye out for a potential tournament bracket using twitter polls for the 32 team representatives mentioned in this article to crown whose the single most punchable person in the NFL.

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